Happy midweek Ladies!

Here’s more from my upcoming book! Don’t worry, I’m not giving it all away..

MY KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOR IS COMING…

HE’S JUST STUCK IN TRAFFIC.

 

MATCH.COM.SUCKS

 Women have been spending years and years “studying” men. Our culture proves my theory every day, with all of the books, TV shows, movies and articles that discuss the woman’s dilemma and perceived responsibility of finding her Mr. Right. So, it was quite natural for me to feel that it was my task to try to find the right guy. All these self-help books out there for women advising them on love are the worst. You’ll never see a big surge of relationship books for men. Why? Because it’s never the guy’s problem. Women are the fixers, they figure it out. They are the glue that keeps relationships together. I realized that there was no guy out there with a bouquet of flowers waiting to chase me down the street and offer his heart. All my life, I had been a “glass is half full” kind of gal. Happy-go-lucky, willing to accept fate and not mull over the negative. And this worked for me in terms of relationships, for a long time. I just met guys while I was out doing my own thing, and everything just fell into place. But by my mid-thirties, my happy go lucky attitude started to change. For one thing, I was getting older and my ovaries were whispering to me. Granted, a faint whisper but a whisper nonetheless. And that was scary.

Secondly, my free time was dwindling. I had lots of obligations – work, errands, gym (yuck), seeing friends, etc. All of a sudden, my free time became precious to me and wasting it with just anyone, or worse – being alone, was just not right. Thirdly, and most importantly, adulthood was staring me in the face. Believe me, I fought it the best I could. I wanted to be young and carefree for as long as possible. Sure, I could still be an undercover agent or clothing designer if I wanted to! That great free thinking mind of mine where I thought that anything was possible and that my life was just starting had turned into “I’m ALREADY 36 – FUCK!” I don’t have the career I want, I’m single with no hopes of children and gee, I’m not independently wealthy. What happened?!” Life happened – that’s what. I also found that my ideal vision of the future was less Audrey Hepburn on a Roman Holiday and more Doris Day with kids. Less Samantha in Sex and the City and more Lucille Ball. I started wanting that sappy Beaver Cleaver life – I even found myself getting teary-eyed at Fisher-Price commercials. I was ashamed to admit it. Here I was, the career gal, the woman who did not need a man, wanting one so badly, it felt like, well, desperation. All of a sudden, everything that I had fought against – the generic, cute couple with the adorable, bouncing baby was exactly what I wanted. So, now what?! How hard can it be to find a decent, normal, stable, cute guy? Well, for me, you may as well have asked me to climb Mount Everest.

I begin my online dating sentence, (I mean experience), by doing what any smart woman would do – research. I took my time scanning the various sites, checking out the selection of guys as well as the format AND the competition. I decide to go with Match.com (later I would change to Matchmaker.com which was just as tragic but a bit more subdued and then back to Match.com). There seemed to be a lot of cute guys in my age range and they seemed pretty normal overall (little did I know). I signed up for a one month trial for $19.95 (that’s how they suck you in). I put up my profile and some photos and I’m off to the races. 

First off, I’ll try most anything once. I mean, if you don’t try, then you have already lost, right? At work, every male I knew was either married, in a relationship, or gay. And all the guys my friends knew were either married, in a relationship, or gay. Oh, or just total losers. Considering that ever finding a possible date with a man that actually had potential was nonexistent, why not online dating? Talk about a long, bumpy, sometimes fun, burst your bubble in a nanosecond kind of activity, online dating is like crack at first – exciting and new, a thrill ride. You can’t wait to check your mailbox every morning to see who emailed you. You peruse the guys excited about the possibilities and fantasize about the dream guy you will meet. It’s like a dream come true. There are so many guys who look great, you think you’ve hit the jackpot. You are horse hunting at the best stud farm in town! So HERE’s where all of the cute single guys have been! Why didn’t I do this sooner? Well, like many dreams, they don’t come true. In fact, some dreams are so far from reality, it’s ridiculous. And, like crack, which I’m sure is the best at first, online dating eventually just becomes a burden, a thing you can’t shake no matter the tragedy and emotional rollercoaster. I don’t even want to think of how many hours I wasted on these stupid sites, only to be beaten by the reality stick over and over again. But I had faith dammit. I said “This is the last straw,” my final frontier, the final quest for the Holy Male and I must endure. So I did.  

And that’s where I got all these groovy stories and adventures from ladies!