Did you have a nice weekend? I hope you had sex, ate something really fattening and laughed a lot. If you didn’t, don’t worry. I have a feeling all of this will happen in your future.
Let’s continue with some excerpts from my book, okay?
DATING 101 FOR MEN
Here’s some advice I would like to give the men out there, based on the discrepancies and foul behavior I personally witnessed on dates from Match.com, FitnessSingles,com, and Matchamker.com (yes, I tried all of them). So here goes:
1. Should you pay for drinks/dinner?
YES. You moron.
2. How do you know if the date is going well?
Yo – Helen Keller – you can SEE if the date is going well. Is she smiling a lot or does she look like she’s in a meeting with her accountant? Is she laughing? Playing with her hair and giving you sexy looks or is she sitting still doing nothing, looking like she’s in a meeting with her accountant? Is she rolling her eyes? If she mentions that she is tired and really needs to get home, then she doesn’t like you. No matter what a gal has the next morning – work, surgery, calling the phone company to change her number so that you never call again, whatever, if she’s having a great time, she won’t mention it right away or at all, or she’ll say it very reluctantly. If she is polite, it does not mean the date is going well necessarily. I went on so many dates where the guy was totally confused by this behavior. I was brought up to be polite when I meet someone, no matter how repulsive and annoying they are, so I would suffer through a cocktail or whatever we had planned and then say “thank you” and get the hell out of there. But they were not guys I wanted to date. Just because she doesn’t throw a drink in your face or tell you that she thinks you’re a ding dong to your face doesn’t mean she is having a wonderful time. It’s called common courtesy. If she is texting or looking at everyone else but you, the date is not going well.
3. Should you pay for the date if it did not go well?
Yes. You moron. Unless she was rude to you. If she was a bitch, you have every right to ask for her to pay half. If she was nice but didn’t like you and you took her to an expensive restaurant, well that’s your own damn fault.
4. If you are balding, should you shave your head?
Having no hair draws attention to your face, so if you are ugly, have an odd-shaped head or you are very hairy everywhere else, then you may wish to reconsider grabbing that razor. There are very few people who look good bald. Vin Diesel does. So does Seal. But did you ever hear the ladies say that Telly Savalas is hot? I don’t think so. And that bald guy, Harry on “Sex and the City” who marries Charlotte? Yeah, that’s why it’s called TV. I was so pissed when that happened. In real life, that nebbishy, slobby guy would never get a Charlotte, unless she was insane or really, really stupid. Or maybe he had tons of money and she was shallow. I’m sure it was some bald guy or insecure man who wrote in that character. He’s probably STILL having wet dreams over it. Oh, and let me clue you in guys – we women know when we see a bald guy that he is some poor schlump who was going bald. We know it’s not a fashion statement. We feel sorry for you. It’s okay to go for it and shave if you can pull it off, just know that your not fooling anyone.
5. Should you be on time for the date?
Yes. You moron.
6. Should you be honest about your looks and height?
Yes. You moron. If you think that she won’t care that you are 4 inches shorter than you said, or have Abominable Snowman teeth that you hid in your profile photos, you are WRONG. Your amazing intelligence and charming personality won’t win her over, she will already be over you because you burst her bubble when you waddled in the door looking nothing like the photos you posted. And let’s be fair – this goes for the ladies too! Your profile photos should show the real you AND your size, in every aspect. Trying to hide those extra 20 pounds is impossible in person. No amount of black clothing will hide it and no amount of Spanx will. Believe me, I have tried.
7. Should you ask her questions about sex on your date?
No. You sleazeball.
8. What should you wear on a date?
A simple button down shirt and nice jeans or other pants. Keep it simple. If you are a great dresser (these are a rare breed), then wear that cool shirt or funky blazer. Your wardrobe is not a total dealbreaker for women because we know we can change that. I redid the wardrobe of many boyfriends. Alex, one of them, wore cut-off jean shorts and Tivas on our first date. Thank god he was hot and smart. I took him to Norstrom and cleaned that boy up. I had to redo my ex Bill’s entire wardrobe. When we started dating, he wore bad Hawaiian shirts and silk pleated pants. He was Italian and it showed, badly. He looked like a goomba. He even had woven shoes. He still has the silk pants and woven shoes. I’m not a miracle worker. I even took him to my hairdresser to give him a decent haircut. Everyone said he looked 10 years younger. I made him so much hotter for future women. You’re welcome.
9. What does it mean if she doesn’t email back or is always busy and can’t meet you?
Wake up sunshine, she doesn’t like you!
10. Should you open doors for her and stand up when she gets up to go to the ladies’ room?
Yes. You moron. Get your sorry, lazy ass out of your seat right now and make that INCREDIBLY taxing reach for the damn door! What is today’s unchivalrous problem with this? Good lord. You would think we were asking them to move a boulder in our path or rescue us from a burning building the way they act like it’s such a BIG deal.
11. Should you try to get in her pants on the first date?
No. You asshole.
Don’t forget about my upcoming book!
MY KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOR IS COMING…
HE’S JUST STUCK IN TRAFFIC.