Ladies!

Happy Wednesday to you! It seems like January is flying by, doesn’t it?

Here are more tales from my online dating adventures:

GREENCARD

Foreigners are my weakness, like chocolate for most women. Give me a guy with an accent and I’m there ready and willing, tongue out, tail wagging. Most of my longest and best relationships were with foreign guys. They are (for the most part) passionate, intelligent, worldly, fun and have a zest for life that I don’t find in many American men. And they dress a hell of a lot better than the American guys. Gym sneakers and baseball hats worn outside of the gym should be burned.

In my profile, I requested for a guy no more than 250 miles from me. I thought that was quite a generous window, since it would take me a lot to want to drive three hours for a date. But I figured, if you want to catch a big fish, throw a wide net, right? Apparently, guys on the other end are throwing a much wider net than me, a transcontinental net. I start getting tons of emails from guys all over the world. Asia Europe, Africa, etc. Now, some women may find this exciting, getting an interesting email from an exotic locale, the ultimate “European Vacation” dream. For me, however, these emails are extremely irritating. I mean, I was annoyed with guys in Arizona or New York emailing me because it was too far, you can just IMAGINE my reaction to emails requiring a passport. What the hell am I going to do with a guy in China? Come on! I did enjoy the broken English emails and some of the guys were downright hot, but it wasn’t enough for me to want to start the email relationship that would never go anywhere. There’s enough pressure on a first date meeting for a damn cup of coffee. Just imagine the pressure of taking a plane flight to get there to have that cup of coffee – geez. I recall the “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy” episode (I loved that show), where they do a special date for this couple who have been online dating for 6 MONTHS and have never met (can I get a “What the Fuck?!” from the audience please?). So they fly this dork from Denver to New York to meet this dorkette and they go on this date that they think is foolproof. The gay boys thought of everything. So what happens? On the date, they have NOTHING to talk about and it’s a big snore. See what I mean? Talking to someone on the phone or emailing does not take the place of meeting someone in person. It is not realistic nor is it really dating.

 

 

I have emails from Japan, Italy, Mexico, Spain, the Netherlands, England, Sweden, Greece, China, India, Ecuador, Canada, Egypt, Nigeria, France, Chile, Belgium, and others.  At first, I don’t respond. What’s the point? But they keep emailing me, in droves. So I respond to a few asking why the hell they are emailing someone a million miles away. I am really curious actually as to why they want to email someone all the way in another country. I never get a logical answer – why am I not surprised? Mostly, they just say that I’m beautiful and they had to say “Hi!” or that they are looking for new “friends.” Ugh.

The foreign emails keep on coming, and I keep getting more and more irritated. So finally, I just decide to totally confuse the hell out of them, by emailing back: “I’d like to meet you! Meet me tomorrow at 4:00 p.m. at the Starbucks on Sunset.” That’ll teach ‘em! Most guys didn’t respond or emailed me back saying “I don’t think you saw where I live…” Oh, I saw. I actually got one guy who lived in New Orleans trying to make a flight to come meet me. I almost fell off my chair when I read his email:

I called Orbitz but all the flights are booked for that arrival time in LA. They did have a flight that would get you here by 3:00 p.m. with plenty of seats. Wow. He actually took my email seriously. I emailed him that it was just a joke. What an idiot! No wonder his Match name was “Clearance Sale.” Another guy in Alaska who I emailed to meet me at Starbucks wrote back: My, my, my, that was fast (he’s probably so impressed with himself that I’m dying to meet him).. Sunset tomorrow? Did you happen to notice where I live, moreover right now I am out of the country. I would like to meet, raincheck til I return? I love your photos and what you had to say..If you want to chat more, let me know, I would love that. I had to email him back that I knew exactly where he lived and that it was meant as a joke. Duh. People are so stupid.

Richard, from England, is very specific about what he wants. He writes: I am seeking a decent person whom I can trust & love. A good heart, non-smoker, non-drinker (oh, I’m out), no body tattoes, no body piercing.. non jealous, not crazy (I’m DEFINITELY out), wears little makeup, no children or emotional baggage.. I am not looking for sex or one night stands… fashion conscious..I am not a desperate man…

Are you SURE about that buddy? You can’t seem to find one woman in England so you have to email me in California? Sounds desperate to me!

Sensrem is 39, 5’11 and lives in Mexico. He looks like a Mexican Adam Sandler. I reply to his email: “I appreciate your email, but you live in Mexico. I’m looking for someone who lives in my state and definitely in my country!” He emails me back: Thank you for your response.. Ok Iunderstand and respect everything you think but I don’t want to lose the opportunity to tell you how beautiful you are, Ihope you don’t bother with my words… and thank you again for your email. I want to share my honesty and friendship with you…please shake this friendly and sincere hand, yes? Shake your hand? Sure, I’ll just pop down to Mexico Pedro to shake that hand! I don’t respond. I just don’t need long-distance friends, especially weird strange men from Mexico.

Ladies, have you had any experiences similar to these? Tell me about them!

COMING SOON:

MY KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOR IS

COMING…

HE’S JUST STUCK IN TRAFFIC.