Hello ladies and Happy Holidays!!

It is this time of year that I find my single ladies (and the rest of the single general public) longing for the warmth of someone yummy to snuggle up with in front of the fire and to spend the holidays with. I myself have been there on numerous occasions lamenting the fact that I didn’t have anyone special to spend moments like New Year’s (good grief) with. Now that I am married, I can say WHO CARES!! but it sounds ridiculous because of course NOW that I am married I can say these things. So I truly understand my dear single ladies and I want to remind you AGAIN that it was not so long ago that I too was searching for what I thought felt like the Quest for The Holy Grail (mostly aspirational, possibly ficticious and highly unlikely). Therefore, I continue my TOP 10 List of Heinous Comments from the Peanut Galley that make single women go ape shit. Here we go:

5. COMMENT: “YOU’RE TOO PICKY.”

This comment implies that I am setting the bar way too high or have some checklist in my purse or have unrealistic standards. “But why CAN’T I date an astronaut??!!!” I can see them imagining me thinking. Yes, I’m too picky. FINALLY someone figured it out! Oh thank you for solving this mystery for me! So that’s why I’m not riding off into the sunset with my Mr. Right. Obviously, like all the questions, this comment gets me REALLY worked up. Any gal who has been around the block knows this is ridiculous for anyone to say. Why if they only SAW the idiots, losers, jackasses, beautifully-challenged people we have said “Okay” to for a date, then these nay-sayers would just shut the hell up. Let’s review what my requirements are, shall we? And then we can see if I’m being unrealistic.

It’s kind of difficult to be starry-eyed and all mushy gushy thinking about our Prince Charming’s arrival when every day we are facing guys who are far from Princely and not-so-charming.  It’s like asking a kid to get excited about Santa Claus when they already know that it’s just Uncle Harry in a costume. The mystery and excitement is gone. Believe me, I still wish I lived in Santa Claus fantasy land and I definitely try to convince myself that Prince Charming is out there. Unfortunately, it seems that my Prince Charming is working those tights and shimmying at the gay bar, just got out of prison, is my plumber, is some dude wearing gold chains, having a mid-life crisis playing the way-too-young-for-him field, or he’s comfortably at home while his little wife makes him dinner.

I am looking for someone who is similar to my background – educated, comes from a decent upbringing, has a good job and makes at least what I make, and preferably doesn’t have a criminal record, a current wife or children. I’m not flexible on the wife or criminal record part, but I will consider children. Aesthetically, I prefer a guy who is about 6 feet, since I’m 5’9 (that’s 5”11 or so with heels), has hair (no Mr. Clean for me), isn’t an old geezer, is in relatively good shape and kinda cute. Does this mean that if a guy doesn’t meet ALL of these “standards” of mine, my “checklist” if you will, that I won’t consider a date? Hell no, it doesn’t. I’ve dated bald guys, short guys, guys who had no money, old guys, boring as hell guys, stupid guys, guys who made severely bad fashion choices, guys who never went to college and guys who weren’t that cute. Nobody who knows me well enough can say that I haven’t found the one because I’m too picky. It’s just not true. I feel like screaming back “Well, when I get really desperate and I’m ready to settle like you did, I’ll let you know!” I don’t really mean that. Well, sometimes I do. For the most part, I’m happy when people find “the one” and live happily ever after. It gives us single gals hope.

When people say you’re too picky, they should look in the mirror and see that it is actually a reflection on themselves. By you telling me that I’m too picky implies that, if I am not picky, I will find a man, which in turn implies that you must have lowered your standards to be with your man. Because that statement implies that to be picky is a bad thing. I like to simply say that I am a hopeless romantic and I want to feel that special weak-in-the-knees feeling for a guy. “Don’t you think everyone deserves that?” I ask. If I am in a particularly pissy mood, I will say “Well, don’t you love your husband like crazy? Did you settle?” Usually this will make them feel a bit awkward (good, they deserve it), and hopefully they will say that yes, indeed they are still in love with their hubby, and then you can triumphantly say “Well, don’t I deserve that?” There. Done.

MY ADVICE TO YOU LOVELY LADIES – DO NOT SETTLE! BE PICKY! THE LAST THING YOU WANT TO DO IS BE STUCK WITH SOMEONE YOU KNOW IS NOT THE BEST CHOICE FOR YOU. TALK ABOUT CHINESE WATER TORTURE!!!