Howdy Ladies!

I feel fat. And sluggish. And dumpy. Too many steaks. Too much red wine. And way too many fab dinners that I make for my husband every night. I can’t help it. I love to cook good food. And desserts.

THIS MUST STOP.

So, to the land of cleanses I go. Oh yeah, that’s right. I’m doin’ it!! I’m drinkin’ the Kool Aid!  I usually run far away from the wheat grass, hippie granola, mumbo jumbo that is everywhere around me in L.A. The first time I tried a wheat grass shot at Whole Foods, about two weeks being in L.A. from NYC, I drank it, went to work, and proceeded to roll around on the floor screaming that my organs were playing musical chairs in my body. And then I challenged myself with some other vegetable concoctions at different establishments only to find that I really don’t like the green gunk they call refreshing and delicious. To me, green means gag.

I am much more likely to be seen at the wine bar, not the juice bar. Don’t get me wrong. I am relatively healthy. I eat oatmeal with berries for breakfast, only one cup of coffee per day and we try to eat fish twice a week for dinner. And, I do a 2 mile walk every morning with my dog and a couple of exercise classes each week (when I’m being good). But I still have gained weight since my wedding and I still feel like Jabba the Hut. So change must be made!!

I read somewhere about the Cooler Cleanse. I’m not sure which magazine I saw it in. Could have been Fitness, InStyle, Shape, Elle – who knows. I read so many bloody magazines! Anyhoo, this cleanse has Salma Hayek as part owner. Looks ultra chic. Then I see an article in the New York Times Style Magazine about an editor who does a 10-day cleanse from The Juice Press. Hmmm…. It would be SO me to choose a cleanse out of New York when I live right smack in the middle of cleanseville in California!

I must choose a cleanse that is healthy. There are so many kooky programs out there and so many kooks in L.A. who will gladly try it. The Master Cleanse is one that many have tried. In fact, my friend Wanda just told me that her friend did the master cleanse and got extremely ill. “I don’t think you should do a cleanse,” she says. “Well, considering the Master Cleanse has practically NO nutrition and is ridiculously unhealthy, I’m not surprised they got sick!” I reply. You don’t have to be a doctor to know that if all you drink is lemon, water, maple syrup and cayenne pepper, you are NOT going to get the proper nutrients your body needs. Duh. I tried it for ONE day in a moment of insanity and almost threw up just with the first glass. Disgusting.

Considering my not so stellar experience with juice-type regimens, I still decide to do a cleanse even if it may taste like poop. I decide on the Cooler Cleanse because they seem to know what they are doing and well, their website was snazzy. And I decide on the beginner 3 day cleanse because I am a total whimp and this means baby steps. Just the thought of no solid food for ONE day makes me start hyperventilating.

No, you DO NOT want to know what this costs. Let’s just say that for three days of juice, I could have bought a very nice pair of shoes. But I figure that if I am going to do this, I am going full throttle and doing it the celebrity way. High-end, high quality product, hopefully great results. I ask my husband if he wants to do the cleanse with me because misery loves company. He says sure – I love that he is up for anything. I offer to pay for his cleanse too as I know that my frugal husband would be astounded to know what I am spending on juice. He does ask “Can’t we make it ourselves rather than order it?” “Why sure honey,” I say in my smart ass tone. “If you want to go buy an expensive juicer and go get the beets and kale and berries and all the accouterments for this, and make it for us each day, then yes we can!” I myself am going the easy “Cleanse for Dummies” route and ordering the stuff. He complies.

So, I sign us up and schedule delivery of my most precious, fountain of youth, super fancy cleanse.

I am so cool. I mean, I am just like those celebrities with their cool diets and exclusive health regimens.

If you can do it Selma, so can I!