I hope you’re well. I first want to make sure that you are seeing the fun cooking videos I have been sharing on MOGUL. Here’s the latest:
Now onto a more serious topic. Forget a rough day – It’s been a rough few years!
Here is my open Letter about my Infertility:
Dear All of You,
I have been trying, with my husband, to have a baby for five years now, four of which were spent working with fertility doctors. We don’t have a baby. We did in-vitro and got 5 viable embryos and did 5 transfers and none worked. I had one miscarriage. I don’t want you to feel badly for me or say, “I’m so sorry.” I know you don’t know what to say. I don’t know what to say to you when you tell me, “I’m sorry.” It’s awkward for both of us. I’m sorry that you’re sorry. But I don’t want you to feel sorry for me because that makes me feel like I should be pitied – like I’m a poor, wretched soul and that my life is over. I walk by the “Moms” chatting while they push their strollers, sharing their stories of their kids and it’s tough knowing that I will never be a part of this special club. How does that make me feel? Shitty. What has it made me realize? That life is totally unfair. But also that you have to accept things and move on.
The irony of our situation is laughable. Both my husband and I have good jobs. We own our house. We have a guest room that has been just waiting to be turned into a nursery. We are relatively normal, responsible people who really wanted a family. I always imagined I would be a mom. My husband always assumed he would be a dad. We wanted that, and we wanted it desperately. I get furious when I see people who are complete idiots get pregnant and have children at the drop of a hat. My friend just told me about her cousin who is in her late 20s with no job, no career and no life goals. Her boyfriend also has no job and is Bipolar. She just got pregnant and is so happy. So they get to bring a baby into this world with no idea whatsoever of how they will take care of or afford this child. I’m not saying that you need a lot of money but seriously? It’s probably a good idea to have a job. Just saying. I have a friend who used abortion as birth control in high school. She got pregnant very easily and was a complete idiot. I have a friend who has a kid that they spoil so much, the kid is a brat and the parents don’t even see it. Another couple I know has a kid with severe behavioral problems – he lashes out in fits of rage. They are in complete denial of what he is capable of and I am scared about what he is going to do when he hits his late teens. My own mother is a horrible person. But because they are parents, they are deemed SPECIAL. I can’t stand these people now more than ever before because they have a gift that I don’t have and they have abused it. They have children. Naturally. Why do bad people exist? Because they had bad parents and apparently there is no test to pass whether or not you can have a kid. Many irresponsible, crazy, trainwrecks and stupid, lame, good-for-nothing guys can have a kid but I can’t. WTF?
If I sound mean and judgmental, I apologize. To be honest, I’m just tired. Tired and numb. I’m tired of trying so hard for nothing and putting my body through hell with no results other than feeling horrible physically and mentally. I’m tired of being on an emotional rollercoaster. I’m tired of feeling sorry for myself and for others feeling sorry for me.
Here’s what I ask of you –
Please don’t ask me what my plans are. I have no idea. Please don’t suggest for me to adopt. You throw out this advice recklessly – like adopting a kid is as easy as going and picking out a pumpkin at the farm. A baby is not a Cabbage Patch Doll. The adoption process is lengthy and stressful and costs money. And frankly, I’m tired. Tired and numb.
Please don’t throw it in my face that you’re a mom and that having children is THE BEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO YOU. That may be true but I don’t need to hear about it. I will admire and love your children but I don’t need you prancing around like you’re a God or a Rockstar because you gave birth. Unless you gave birth to Mother Theresa or Bill Gates or the President, you’re not a God. And even then, they are not Gods. Again, sorry to be mean and judgmental, but I’m tired. Tired and numb.
Please don’t tell me that my dogs are just like kids. They are not. They don’t talk. They don’t learn how to read and write and learn sports and share stories with you and ask you questions about life and grow into adults who go to college and have great careers. They are animals. I love them to death. But I will NOT become a crazy dog lady who dresses my dog in clothes and walks them around in a stroller because THAT’S SAD AND INSANE.
Please don’t ask me about my infertility experience, shoving your questions at me and demanding answers. I don’t owe you any information. You are not the CIA. If I want to tell you about it, I will. It is very hard to talk to someone about infertility if they haven’t gone through it themselves. You have no idea what it’s like and frankly, I’m tired of trying to explain it. I’m tired of talking about it. Tired and numb.
The best thing you can do for me is to tell me that you are there for me and if I ever want to talk about it, you will listen. And to allow me to get on with my life and close the book on this chapter of my life.
Maybe we will be okay without kids. I don’t know. A lot of research suggests that kids are not so great:
Of course, babies are totally adorable and when people imagine having kids, I doubt they are picturing an insolent teenager. No, they are picturing a giggly, squishy, yummy baby. But how long does a baby stay a baby? EXACTLY. There are days when I feel fine not having kids and then there are days when I desperately want one and don’t know if my life will be enough without children. I don’t know if I will regret not having kids for the rest of my life or if I will live happily ever after. I DO know that I am thankful that my husband and I have made it through this hell together and that we still love each other and are committed to each other. Imagine if we had a kid and then we got divorced from the stress? Would I be happier with that? I doubt it.
I’m thankful that my husband and I are on the same page – he is conflicted too about the whole kids thing. On the one hand, we always wanted kids. On the other, we are both no spring chickens and the thought of having to do another whole stressful, exhausting and expensive plan, like adopting, just seems a bit much. We fought the good fight but frankly, we’re all out of fight. We want to relax and think of something OTHER than children. For once. Plus, running around after a baby at this stage in our life when most people our age have grown kids and are getting their life back, seems a bit crazy. For now, I am grateful that the stress of TRYING to have a baby is over. No more doctors. No more meds. I found the most wonderful man in the world and our bond is very strong. It ain’t a baby but it’s pretty damn great.