Hi ladies!

 I LOVE MY DOGS. My husband and I are dog people. I could never imagine my life without dogs. Our dogs are always a part of our annual Christmas card and they have Halloween costumes, which they hate wearing, but oh well. We spoil our dogs by giving them fresh chicken every day and only the best food (although I consider it good nutrition, not spoiling). No, I don’t plan on being one of those crazy ladies who puts their dog in a stroller. And no, I don’t think dogs ARE kids. I actually get annoyed when people call their dogs their kids. They are not. They are animals. Kids are human. You don’t teach a dog math, or how to brush their teeth or have to explain the birds and the bees to them. It’s mostly a one-sided conversation and dogs don’t talk back or say swear words. You never have to worry about your dog going to the right college or worry that they will grow up and not have a good career. Dogs are a hellavu lot easier than kids, but I think they do have a lot of similarities. Here they are:

Dogs are helpless. They rely on you so much and give you unconditional love, so it’s a big responsibility and honor to have them and owners should treat it that way. Spoil your dog and they will walk all over you and disobey you. Be mean to your dog and they will not trust you. It’s the same with kids. It drives me crazy when I see a parent take their kid for granted or over-spoil them or be mean to them.

Both kids and dogs love a schedule – It’s all about their schedule, not yours! Come hell or high water, you must walk them and feed them when they expect it. Throw off their schedule, and there will be hell to pay!

They love to cuddle but will hog the bed and sleep in funny positions. Kids do the same. My niece sleeps SIDEWAYS in the bed. The few times I have slept in the same bed with her, I get no sleep. Our dog Lincoln spoons my husband while he spoons me, which is perfect, until my husband wants to change positions or gets too hot from so much body heat around him.

Dogs will sit and watch you with amusement as you struggle putting together something, or organizing your life, or watching you stress out like a hot mess and they won’t do a damn thing to help. In fact, many times, they will just get in your way. Kids are the same.

Dogs will take a giant dump, sometimes making a mess in the house and look at you with a blasé look, like, “Yeah, I did it. Clean it up! That’s your job!” You may think babies do a lot more damage but you haven’t seen or smelled my dog Lincoln’s giant creations. He is truly a Poopaholic. He excels at it and I think he’s quite proud. Also, with both dogs and kids, you can’t make a big deal out of their horrible poops because you will make them feel bad and, after all, it’s just natural. Everybody poops. Some just more than others.

Somehow the dog knows EXACTLY the worst time to get into trouble, do something embarrassing or throw up on the carpet. It will be a time when you’re running out the door or you have special guests over. My dog arrived at my friend Chris and Stan’s house and proceeded to take a dump on their living room floor. Lovely. Kids will do the exact same thing. Maybe they won’t take a dump on the floor, but they will surely do things to mortify and inconvenience not only you, but also whomever you are with.

Dogs are hilarious and so much fun to play with. The simplest toys can give them hours of entertainment. Kids? Yeah, how many of us loved a good old-fashioned cardboard box?!

Both dogs and kids are REALLY good at breaking and destroying your shit. My dog Winnie ignored my cheap flip-flops and chewed up my TOD’s loafers instead. Fun.

Lincoln in Winnie bed

 

I don’t trust people who don’t like dogs. How can you not like dogs??!! I also appreciate fellow dog owners. There is something selfless in the act of having a pet that depends on you day and night. You must care for them no matter what your day is like or how badly you feel. You must sometimes put your health and feelings aside and go and take care of the dog. I remember being single with the flu and having to take Winnie out for a long walk. Murder. At least I live in SoCal, where it is mild and sunny all year long. I give big kudos to those of you walking your dog in snow and ice. Brrrrr. Parents feel the same camaraderie with other parents. You give up a lot of “me time” and all sorts of egocentric things when you have a kid. I also don’t trust people who don’t like kids. I’m not talking about the annoying kid screaming at the restaurant or the nasty little boy who kicked my seat on the plane for 2 hours. I’m just talking kids in general. Dogs and kids make you a better person (for the most part).

The dog does not care if you are wearing an expensive dress. They will jump on you, slime you and expect you to be happy about it. Kids? Yup. Same.

No matter how much you feed them, some dogs will still want more and act like you are starving them to death. My dog Lincoln knows this well. And just check out all the overweight kids out there and you know what I’m talking about. Or, if you’re like my dog Winnie, you’re a VERY picky eater and will eat only very specific food, which makes these kinds of dogs and kids a pain in the ass.

 Both dogs and kids will wake you up in the middle of the night or super early and won’t give a damn or feel any remorse for doing it.

They leave their toys everywhere and always want more toys.

There will be times when my dogs are so annoying and such a pain in the butt that I secretly think about selling them, or giving them away or fantasize what it would be like without them. I have heard rumors of parents thinking the same of their kids. Of course, we would NEVER sell them or give them away, but we have dreamt about it once or twice! I recall a friend of mine joking that she was going to send her daughter to live with me for a year because she was GOING CRAZY.

AND, no matter what they do, or how they act, we think OUR dogs are the BEST dogs in the WHOLE world!!! I have a friend whose dog barks ALL THE TIME. You can be sitting there, trying to have a conversation and the dog just stares at you and barks. It’s extremely annoying. And my friend is like, “Isn’t she the cutest dog EVER?!” Of course I say yes but secretly I am thinking, “No, that is the spawn of hell!” And that is absolutely true of kids! I know some really annoying kids whose parents think their kids are perfect angels. NOT. Or they think their kid is a goddamn genius because they learned to spell. Ummm….hello….EVERYONE learns to spell… and read and write. Your kid ain’t no genius.

Both dogs and kids make life better! Now cats…that’s another story! 😉