This past weekend, I saw “THINK LIKE A MAN.” I knew it would probably be annoying and chauvinistic, but I thought it would be good research for me, especially since I have been commenting a lot about the dating world and relationships in interviews about my book.

I went into the movie expecting the worst. Overall, it was not as bad as I thought. As a comedy, there were some good moments of humor where I laughed out loud. And the theme was not as chauvinistic as I thought. But. And this is a big but!

The women in the movie spend their time trying to figure out men, agonizing over why they cannot commit, or aren’t interested or why all they want is sex. Sounds familiar right? And the men? They start off being all “Bros before Hos” and just kind of live their lives. Then the ladies go buy Steve Harvey’s book “Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man,” and start using strategy and tactics to “change the game” and, thanks to the magic of Hollywood non-reality – the women all get what they want and the men turn out to be decent guys who have feelings. How nice.

Here’s where my commentary comes in – WTF? Why do women need to strategize? Why do they need to manipulate the situation to get what they want? Why, why, why? In my opinion, women analyze and strategize TOO much. This is not a business deal. It’s not a homework problem. It’s love. Thanks to self-help chick-lit, women can spend hours, days, even YEARS trying to figure out guys. Guess what ladies? They are not that hard to figure out. If they are the right guy and the one you truly love, it will just work. That’s it. I know it sounds simple and that might piss you off, but it’s true. The unfortunate thing is that women do not learn this until they have been through a few wrong relationships and then finally get into the right one, and it’s like “Holy shit! This is what it’s supposed to be like? That easy?” Yup.

Ladies – no amount of devious acts or mind games are going to change the guy. Perhaps you might be able to persuade him into a commitment, or maybe you can convince him he needs to get off his butt and get a better job, but that seems a lot of work to me and incredibly frustrating. Plus, how proud can you feel if you had to push, lie, cheat and steal to get the ring? Sounds downright humiliating.

Quit thinking and use your heart!!

You don’t need to read the book or watch the movie. Here I will tell you what you need to do:

  1. Listen to your heart. There’s a reason why people say “When you know, you know.” Women are fixers, organizers, and we are the problem-solvers in relationships. So, we think that if we analyze the situation, we can solve it. The truth is, if you are spending hours trying to figure out why the relationship is not working, then he’s not the right guy for you. You can’t force love. Women have great instincts and intuition. But that gets pushed aside because we want to convince ourselves that that schmuck is “the one.” Deep down, you KNOW the truth. Listen to it. You will save a lot of time and agony.
  1. Don’t Compromise. In the movie, there is a woman who is extremely successful and demands that she meet a guy who is also successful. Her friends think she’s crazy. I don’t. I always wanted a guy who made at least as much as me, if not more. That was fair. And that’s exactly what I got. And all of my friends feel the same way. Why don’t you deserve someone who is in the same financial realm as you? The movie tries to give a dose of morality when the woman falls for a waiter. (This is where I rolled my eyes). She decides on love (conveniently, his chef career takes a turn for the better, so she doesn’t have to compromise as much as before. That IS convenient). I hate when people say you have to compromise. It’s true that you cannot get a perfect guy because he doesn’t exist. The perfect girl doesn’t exist either. But the perfect guy FOR YOU does exist, and here is where you CANNOT compromise. Do NOT COMPROMISE ON LOVE. If you have to scrutinize his job, or his looks, or his family, or whatever, and that is making you hesitant, he is not the guy for you. Why? Because if you LOVED him, then these things would be okay. You can forgive someone their faults when you love them. I had an ex-boyfriend who hummed. It drove me fucking crazy. I wanted to stab him in the car when he hummed. My husband now (a different guy) clears his throat all the time and you know what? I don’t care. Because I love him. Women need to stop analyzing and strategizing and just go with how they feel. If you know deep in your heart that he’s the one, that’s it. I have a friend who is dating a guy and they have problems. He’s not affectionate enough. They don’t have sex enough. She’s not sure if he thinks about a future with her. So, we talk and talk and talk and nothing changes with her relationship. Her agony is going to produce no results. And this agony is happening to millions of women around the world. If you are questioning if he is the right guy, he’s probably not.  DISCLAIMER – There are many women who think they are in love with, say a married man, or a guy who treats her like crap. This is not love. This is a psychological issue inside of you and you need to go figure your shit out. You’re a grown woman. Go work it out in therapy.
  1. Ask and you shall receive. Steve Harvey says that if your standards are low, they will stay there and the guy will treat you at that level. Here is one point where he and I agree. There is one woman in the movie who is kind of a tramp. She sleeps with the guy on like, the first date, or second. And she is shocked when the guy is out the door and never calls. HELLOOOOO. He thinks you’re a tramp because you are acting like one. I hear so many women complain that “He never takes me out” or “He doesn’t help with any housecleaning” or ”He’s never affectionate.”  Here’s the reason why – he doesn’t think he has to and you never asked him to. That’s it. I used to think guys were supposed to know to do these chivalrous things, like open doors and pay for dinner but you know what? They don’t always know. And, even if they start out that way, they can easily slack off. I have to remind my husband that he should take me out to dinner sometimes. In fact, I’ll offer that we should go out, say Saturday night and I’ll make a reservation. And he is glad to go and also pay, he just needed to be reminded. If you are running around, cleaning like a madwoman and get frustrated that he is sitting his fat ass on the couch watching football, STOP cleaning and tell him to help. Okay. So you ask me “What if he doesn’t do those things when I ask him?” GET RID OF HIM. Just kidding, sort of. If your guy can’t be bothered to listen to what you want and meet you halfway on some of your requests, he’s a douchebag. Of course, there are some women whose demands are insane, like wanting to only go to the top restaurants all the time, or demanding gifts, or wanting to sit on the couch all day while the guy does all the housekeeping. These women are bitches. I feel sorry for the men who are stuck with them.

The most ridiculous part of the movie was the advice that Steve Harvey gives called the “90 Day Rule,” which tells women to wait 90 days until you have sex with a guy. Does Steve Harvey know this is 2012??!! The woman in the movie trying to do the 90 Day Rule broke the deadline like 6 dates into it. I would not last 90 days either. If I like a guy, I want to know how sex would be. It’s important ladies!! Sex is a  major part of your relationship. I once dated a guy who kept putting off sex with me, saying “Don’t worry baby. It’s going to be soooo good!” I could not figure out why the hell he wanted to wait and I was getting frustrated and embarrassed that I was pressuring him like a guy. Then, we had sex. And it sucked. His penis was so small, so pathetic, so sad. Now I knew why he waited so long. He was hoping that I would love his personality so much that I would forgive the cocktail weenie. I did not.

I respect those ladies who want to wait to have sex. Some want to wait until marriage which is a HUGE risk if you ask me! What if the sex sucks? You are then stuck with that for the rest of your life. But I respect their choice. The thing that pisses me off about Steve Harvey’s “90 Day Rule” or any of the “rules” that these self-help books give is that you cannot define things like this. Everyone is different. What works for one might not work for others. In my book, MY KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOR IS COMING…HE’S JUST STUCK IN TRAFFIC, I give advice but in a very general way. I know that what works for me might not work for everyone. So stop putting us women in a cookie cutter mold Steve Harvey! And Please, PLEASE for the love of God STOP calling our vagina “the cookie.” So lame.

So, to recap ladies, I say to Steve Harvey “STOP making us women have to do all the work and tell us that if we play our cards right, we can get that man. It’s simply not true. Female intuition wins over boardroom strategy every time. We should not have to work to win a man’s love. It should come to us easily, because the guy thinks we are great. And you know what, we are dammit!