All My Single Ladies!!


We continue, oh dear ladies, with my hilarious stories from the other side – the planet of the Single Gal.

My preferred answer is “Why no, I never thought of that. I sit on my couch every night in my negligee waiting for the hot guy, the man of my dreams, to knock on the door. He’s going to, right? RIGHT??!!!” If anyone really knew the life of a single woman, they would know that we have tried ALL sorts of places and ways to meet guys. Especially outgoing people like myself. We even think we may meet a guy at the momentous friend’s wedding – we think about it and live in hope but will never admit it to others. I was kind enough to warn my single gal pals way in advance that at my wedding, there would be no good hunting at all. All the men were either married or gay – or both. I put in a quick disclaimer that it would be quite likely that they would be seated next to another girl (so many good gal pals) or an unavailable male. They took the news quite well.

Single gals are constantly seeking opportunities. It is hunting season year-round for these fair maidens and I myself hunted for years even when the species seemed extinct. I once got the number for a cute guy I saw at the dog groomer for God’s sake. He flirted his ass off with me and then walked out with his dog and that was that. He was cute. Hmmmm… It took some guts for me to call up the groomer and make up some lame story of how that guy was going to give me the name for some contact (I can’t even remember what the hell I said), and that I misplaced his number…and could they kindly give it to me? I held my breath awaiting an inquisition, but they instantly obliged. Perhaps I wasn’t the first to use this trick.

I called him and he was happy to hear from me. He said we could meet for a coffee, so we made plans. I called my sister immediately to gloat about my incredible go-getter skills. The next day, he called me up to make final plans and casually says “You know I’m married right?” I almost dropped the phone. He had not been wearing a ring – A-hole. He continued to suggest that we meet and I quickly declined. Unbelievable. I have also given my number to a waiter to give to a guy sitting at another table (he never called) and I once picked up a guy who briefly became a boyfriend at the premiere of “Men in Black” – literally going up to him and saying “You’re cute.” He was. I also met a guy in front of the Mona Lisa at the Louvre. He had been pursuing me throughout the museum through several rooms. I am proud to say that I once picked up the ONLY straight guy at my friend’s Donna Summer concert party. Now that’s talent!

I have friends who have met guys everywhere from the chiropractor’s office to Starbucks (one friend of mine is CONSTANTLY approached at Starbucks. It’s infuriating because I never had someone pay any attention to me at Starbucks. They were way too fixated on getting their cocaine in a cup.) They have found guys at the grocery store, the dog park (my friend married him), everywhere. Us single gals actually brainstorm with our friends on where we can go to meet guys. Hockey game? Why not. Wine tasting? Sure, maybe we’ll meet a classier guy than the beer guzzling type. One of my friends met a hot guy when he came to her rescue, freeing her hair from a hungry stomach crunch machine at the gym. No, I am not kidding. And one of my sassy New York friends even went to AA meetings when she didn’t even have a drinking problem because she knew hot guys went there. Maybe f*cked up hot guys, but hot nonetheless.

So don’t ask single girls obvious questions like this please. It is insulting and annoying. Thank you.


Friend’s party

Bar – cities other than L.A. New York was always good for me. Sports Bars can be good or bad. Lots of guys for sure, but then you might be stuck with a sports fan, meaning many days and nights in your future of couch potato syndrome. Or, if he is a super fan, he may not even notice you at the bar at all and be focused on his team who he would literally die for. Good luck with that.

Retail clothing stores – they are disoriented and therefore easy pray

Dentist or doctor’s office – unless he looks uncomfortable or has an obvious rash

ER – Lots of women have this fantasy of having some hunky doctor save their life and then marry them.

Church – depending

Museum – unless he is standing in front of the Alexander McQueen exhibit at the Met- then he is probably on the other team.

Bookstore – any section other than self-help

College – but beware – it might not last


Strip club


Denny’s or iHop after midnight

Liza Minnelli, Barbara Streisand, Lady Gaga, etc. concert (mine was a fluke)

Bar – in the middle of the day, on a Tuesday. Most bars in Hollywood

Playground – when he is with his kids, wearing his wedding ring

Gynecologist’s office

Acting class

Police station – the ones not wearing the uniform

Church of Scientology

Star Trek convention – unless you’re into that sort of thing