Here’s to kicking the week off right ladies!

In yesterday’s New York Times Sunday Styles section, there was an interesting article on open marriages. Thanks to the ex-Newt Gingrich, the talk around the water cooler and at dinner parties can now include the topic of whether it is right or wrong to have a nonmonogamous marriage. I suppose I would rather talk about this than the Superbowl (or the Stuperbowl as I call it) or about the presidential race, which has seeped into every aspect of my world.


Maybe I am dumming it down, but if you want to sleep with other people, then why the hell would you get married? Sure, there are guys who think they will be happy with one woman, but then they have a heated argument with their penis and their penis wins. Oh how tough it is! And there are women whose cute, nice husbands turn into hideous blobs of flesh on the couch that have replaced conversation with grunting. And I know that it must be tough to tell yourself that you are stuck having sex (or not having sex) with THAT for the rest of your life. But I believe that this whole open marriage thing is for 2 purposes, and 2 only:

  1. To allow the spouse to cheat without guilt. Now these Polyamorous minority say it’s not cheating when you have an open marriage, but my thought is that if you got married, then sex with ANYONE else is cheating, no matter if your spouse supposedly agreed to it or not. Someone wounds up hurt. The guy might end up more attracted to the other woman, as was in Newt Gingrich’s case (I guess he likes plastic, scary, bird-like creatures), and leave the wife for that. Or maybe the woman gets tied emotionally to her lover and decides that she would much rather spend her time with him as opposed to the man she walked down the aisle with. I could see this happening. Women can’t help but have emotional ties. So they feel something when they sleep with someone else. And they feel something when their husband sleeps with someone else. I don’t care what these Polyamorous ding dongs say. Someone is going to get hurt. We are not machines, after all.
  2. To have your cake and sleep with it too. You want the security and comfort of marriage, someone to come home to, someone to watch “Mad Men” with. And then of course there is the dual income savings financially. But then the other side of you wants to go and be adventurous in your sex life and sleep with whomever you want. This, to me, is not a very grown-up attitude. It also seems to belong to very weak people. Not strong enough to resist another person? Well, then you shouldn’t have gotten married you jerk.

Call me old-fashioned, but to me, a marriage is a bond, a promise, to love each other and be faithful and truthful to each other. And why is that a bad thing? I could care less if these Polyamorous people want to have an open relationship with their significant others and go gallivanting around, sharing their private parts with the masses. It doesn’t affect me. I don’t have a problem with the open part. I do, however, have a big problem with the “marriage” part. By wanting to get married and have all the wonderful attributes of that but also have open sex, well, I’m sorry but that’s ridiculous. And it’s offensive to those of us who think marriage means something.

Book written in the 70's – of course.

Why do these people bother to get married? In today’s world, you can have a domestic partnership that gives you all the security and benefits of a marriage, without that stuffy thing called morality or complicated thing called feelings.

Is anything sacred? What happened to love, honor and obey? Marriage is work. It means you have to resist temptation. You have to talk to your spouse when you are not feeling connected. You have to try to spice things up in the bedroom when things get routine. But marriage is also a wonderful, meaningful bond. If we take away the monogamy part and allow ourselves to have sex with others, then what are we but glorified roommates or friends with benefits?

I am sick of our society trying to take the easy route on everything. People are lazy. People’s morals are crumbling. People can’t be bothered following rules. Marriage is a choice, so why not let these nonmonogamous idiots stay away from the marriage part and let those who know what marriage means uphold the title? Don’t worry, we can do it.

Reminder ladies – don’t forget to check out my book!