Hi Ladies!

Are you enjoying your weekend? I hope wherever you are, it’s not too hot. I wanted to talk today about some stuff that I just don’t understand. Like smurfs.

Gag me with a Smurf!

I was driving with my husband the other day and we passed a colossal billboard for the new Smurfs movie. I turned to my husband and said “Now that’s when having kids would just suck.” He just laughed. But it’s true. Your kid would be seeing all this hoopla and beg you to take them to see the Smurfs movie. I would rather be eating worms or doing some other disgusting feat a la Survivor.

There are certain cartoons and kid’s stuff that is like nails on a chalkboard to me and the Smurfs are definitely up there with Barney. The cartoon was around when I was a kid and it was very popular but who the hell needs to bring it back? Can’t it stay in the past, along with Captain America and the Green Lantern? Why does everything have to be dug up when it should be peacefully laid to rest?

Shame on you Harper's Bazaar!

And, to make matters worse, I opened up my August Harper’s Bazaar and saw a fashion spread with none other than Smurfette. I’m going to Pukette. I don’t even want to know how much Sony Pictures paid the magazine to do this spread, but it’s clear that Harper’s Bazaar sold out. They gave up cool, they relinquished their fashion rights and threw in the towel and sucked up the blue people. Which makes me very blue. I was just horrified at the entire spectacle and it does not make me want to buy any of the new season’s accessories.

Perhaps this idea could have been done tastefully, with say Tim Burton’s “Alice in Wonderland” – it was edgy, fashion-forward and funky. There is nothing fashion-forward about the Smurfs. I would love to have sat in in that meeting at HB in New York while the fashionistas tried to justify how cool this spread was going to be. I doubt they slept that night.

Shame on you J.J.!

And speaking of sell-outs, did anyone see the “American Idol” finals recently where they had J.J Abrams come on and show the Idolites “never before scenes” ooooh aaaah from the movie “Super 8” and we all watched as they watched? Man was that lame! Then they gave each Idolite a super 8 video camera for their hometown visit. Talk about overkill. I was so fuming that I refused to watch the rest of the finals. I don’t care who won. That Super 8 lovefest was the longest “commercial” I have ever seen. And you know that the suits in the boardroom thought this up and gave themselves huge high fives and slaps on the back because they are just such geniuses. Hello??!! We all KNOW it’s a huge ad for your stupid movie. There’s a time and place for everything and that wasn’t it. What’s next? The Idolites singing songs about Coca-Cola or how much they love their Starbucks coffee? Ooops – I better not give them any ideas!

And, just as I called out the Biebs for coming out with his own perfume for the ladies, here’s another injustice to us gals:

At the official NYC launch of Qream, Pharrell expressed his quest to create something other than the “lighter fluid” liquor currently on the market. “When we looked at the market, there were all these alcohol brands that use women in their ads but nothing specifically for them,” Pharrell continued. “That’s what we created Qream for. We’re bringing indulgence back to the ladies.” “Every where you turn it’s like ‘I gotta lose weight!’ Like everywhere you’re seeing spanx ads. I wish I had invested in spanx when they first started!” Pharrell joked.

Even the bottle is cheesy

I’m sorry but all I can think of is The Ladies Man from Saturday Night Live, sitting in front of the fire with his Courvoisier. This is just as tacky. And what an injustice to my favorite color – guilty on 2 counts! Unfortunately, there are a lot of people with bad taste out there so this might actually make money. (cue eye rolling).

Like mother like daughter – unfortunately

And, the winner of the Lamies’ Awards for the day goes to the cheese ball blonde daughter on “Big Rich Texas” with the “C” word tattooed on her foot. Tattoos are bad enough, now you gotta really slum it down with a swear word? Maybe she wants to be called a “C**t.” Maybe she doesn’t know what the word means? This is one of those people who loves the shock factor. They think it’s fun to shock people and that it’s wild, but what it really is doing is creating a cover for anyone finding out who you really are. All they see are the tattoos and swears and not you. I guess her personality wasn’t good enough, she had to create an image the cheap way. Too bad. Her mother gets the second Lamies award for bartering with her daughter by giving her plastic surgery on her lips in exchange for removing the tattoo. It’s clear who runs that household! (By the way, the show is highly entertaining!)

That’s it for the call-outs today everyone! Now go about your regular business.