Happy Monday Ladies!

I have talent. Let me tell you, when I do something, I go all the way.

I kill plants. I excel at this. I don’t know why I was born with this talent. But it comes so naturally to me. I buy plants and I kill them. I have killed everything – herbs, gardenias, ficus, ferns, bamboo, roses, orchids, geraniums, and lilies, even cactus. How do you kill a cactus? I will let you in on a little secret – you over love it.

If you want a plant dead, I’m your gal.

I think plants and things need lots of water. So I water it. Then the water is sucked in by the plant and, to me, the dirt looks dry again so I think the plant is still thirsty. So I water it again. And a couple days later, I may be passing by and it’s like “Little Shop of Horrors” with the talking plant saying, “Feed me.” So I do. Is that so wrong? Well, the plant seems to think so because it dies on me.

I can't even remember what this was supposed to be.

You would think I would have a bit of a complex what with all these plants committing suicide around me. I have been told it is very bad karma. You aren’t even supposed to keep wilting flowers around – throw away that bouquet long before it goes bad. So my karma must be off the charts!

However, I refuse to give up. I love plants! I like pretty flowers (pink of course). I long for homegrown lettuce and tomatoes and bushy shrubs and plants bursting at the seams with growth. It’s in my family – my Grandfather had a most wonderful garden. He had corn, lettuce, peas, zucchini – LOTS of zucchini. In fact,  that’s how I learned how to like zucchini. When I would visit, they would send me back home with zucchini the size of baseball bats. I once made about 10 loaves of zucchini bread just to get rid of the damn stuff. They also had fresh mint, and we would get so excited when my Grandmother would ask us to go get some mint from the garden for their G&Ts (so waspy). To this day, when I smell mint, I think of my grandparents.

Some people make gardening look so easy. My mum is so knowledgeable on this stuff. And eventhough she gets some gardening help, she can keep things thriving forever and knows which plants work well where. My sister grows tomatoes like crazy. Her back yard has constant sun and there must be something in that soil because she has her very own farmer’s market every summer. I asked her how she grows tomatoes so well and she said “We just plant them and they grow like weeds.” It’s just not fair!!

So my quest for a green world continues. I have gotten smarter and wiser in my strategy. First, I married a man who has a green thumb. It’s not as though he is Farmer Ted out growing huge crops of produce. No. And he’s no botanist. But he instinctually knows when to water the plants and how much. He has kept three plants alive in our dining room for many years. It’s a marvel. I do not see him ever water them. Maybe he sneaks down while I’m asleep to water them just so I can’t be in on the plan. It is wise to keep me out of it. I bought a Meyer lemon tree for the front yard and it makes me blissfully happy. I have to constantly contain the urge every single morning when I walk the dog, not to water it. I will leave it up to my husband to decide when it needs it. This delicious citrus tree does not need the touch of the black finger.

This used to be a huge beautiful gardenia bush.

I also have been driven to the lowest of the low – calling in the experts. We asked the neighbors and got their plant magician and artiste of horticulture to come and take a looksee and give us some ideas. We have little space and some complications – old palm roots, crappy soil, areas of total shade. So Armando is going to set us up and give the impression to the outside world that we know what the hell we are doing.

I recently bought two “pink lemonade” bushes from the east coast and had them sent all the way to Southern California. These blueberry bushes remind me of childhoods in Maine and when I saw them in a magazine, with their PINK blueberries, I just had to have them. Upon showing them to Armando, he looked at me like I was completely insane. Oh, how right he is! “I’m not sure why you would want an east coast plant for here,” he said cautiously. “Blueberries are a difficult plant and this climate isn’t really right for it but we can plant them if you like.” No need. They have already perished. You can take an east coast gal to the west and she will thrive, but apparently, such is not the case for east coast plants.

I have no idea what plant would work for me. Water lilies would probably be good because I wouldn’t be deceived into thinking that it needs more water because it GROWS in water. But we don’t have a pond or anything like that, so that plan will have to wait.

For now, I will be hands off and let the experts handle it and begrudgingly go to the Farmer’s Market and farmstand for my fresh produce. And, every now and then, I will just have to go to Devynn’s Gardens for cut flowers just for instant gratification.

This is the closest I will ever get to having a green thumb!

Happy gardening ladies!!!