It has been a while since I honored the single gals so here is the continuation of Stupid questions that single ladies get from the GP.

REMINDER: I wrote these before I met my husband so I was a true single gal in every sense of the word!

QUESTION 8: “Well, you’re single but you’re happy, right?” It’s like saying to an amputee “Well, at least you have ONE good arm.” I mean, really. It totally implies that you are not a whole person unless you are married or in a relationship, so you just have to get on with your life and be as happy as possible eventhough you are living in a sea of despair. And then there is the other side, which is the society view that the single lady can be foot-loose and fancy free without a husband. Is that true?

There is such a big image set up today of the strong, single woman. She needs nobody. She is happy by herself. She can eat like a slob at home and wear her ratty flannel nightgown and not care at all. She can do what she wants, when she wants. She is the woman about town, the “That Girl” theme is heard behind her wherever she goes. Doesn’t that sound FABULOUS? Hell no. Sure, it was fun for a bunch of years but it sure is boring as hell now and quite lonely. Even with a ton of friends, and a full social calendar, nothing replaces the intimacy and experience of being with someone special, that couple relationship that is like no other. NOTHING.I blame the annoying character Samantha on “Sex & the City” for elevating this stupid image to idol status. Yeah, I’m sure you will be emotionally filled with one night stand after another. Being FABULOUS ain’t all it’s cracked up to be. Do you know how many times people compared me to Samantha JUST because I liked to wear designer clothes and am in Public Relations? It was so infuriating!! I was like  “Gee thanks, so you think I’m a whore!”

Oh slutty lady, how you irritate me!

And don’t tell me that your job is all you need. Boy, have you brainwashed yourself. And your cat can’t make love to you or take you to dinner. And if your cat does,  well you either deserve an amazing award for science or you need to go check yourself into a mental hospital. How do you answer this question? Am I happy EVENTHOUGH I’m single? It’s such a catch 22. If you say yes, you’re happy, then you imply that you’re done. You don’t need or want anyone. A complete package. I played this part for years. I stood there with my cape and superhero strength telling the world that I didn’t need a guy to be happy. I was JUST FINE thank you very much. Well, it’s bullshit. I absolutely want a relationship. I always have. I am just a relationship kinda gal. But if you answer that you are not happy, that you want a relationship, then you are pitied and looked at as desperate. I had a friend who talked incessantly about how unhappy and lonely she was. Let me tell you, she could clear a room in 2 minutes with her sob story. She was on the bottom of our list of who to call to go out on the town with. People will pity you if your answer is “NO” to the question. “Oh, look at her needing a man to be happy. That’s so sad.”

So what’s a gal to do when you are GENERALLY happy but would really really love someone to love. It’s like the Beatles song – “I Just Need Someone to Love.” Now they are talking about friends and friends are TERRIFIC! I really believe you can’t just have a boyfriend or just have friends. I believe that to really love, you need a bit of everything. It’s like a spice drawer missing the cinnamon or curry. Sure you could make a meal, but it won’t ever be a full gourmand’s dream.

It’s not that we NEED a man. It’s that we WANT a man. And there is a huge difference. Needing a man is like a woman in a boat in the middle of the ocean with no oars. She is helpless, scared and can’t get anywhere or do anything (or like me trying to iron a shirt or paint or do any home repair). Wanting a man is desiring something to add to your life, like jewelry or a better job. You may be able to live without it, but your life sure would be better with it. I am happy. I am a lucky person and I try to remind myself of that when I want to roll around and wallow in my singledom. I am thankful that I don’t need to be married out of financial security or for my self-esteem or for pressures from society. Why the hell do you think I am single? Finding Mr. Right is really hard. I prefer to be single than to be with some idiot who is wrong for me. But do you seriously think I will be happy being single for the rest of my life and never being able to share my life with someone? Hell no.

Single lady dining alone – you go girl!

This question, to me, is a wolf in sheep’s clothing. It is impossible to answer correctly and there are underlying meanings. After all, you could ask the same question to a married person – “You’re married, so you’re happy right?” Asking it this way is setting someone up for failure. When you’re married, you are SUPPOSED to be happy. Your fairy tale complete. Yeah right. For some, that is just no the case. How do I know? Well, from friends who have been unhappily married and also HELLOOO – divorce would not exist if everyone who was married was so gosh darn blissfully happy. So ladies, asking a single gal this same question is very aggressive. So why do people ask it? Because they are stupid. And because they think it is a general question like “So what do you do for a living?” For many, asking the single lady questions like this is par for the course. They just ask them without even thinking about how that question might affect the single woman being asked. If asked this question single ladies (and you probably will), I would recommend a philosophical response and say “Well, come on, I mean, is anyone ever REALLY completely happy?”

7. QUESTION: “HAVE YOU TRIED MEETING GUYS IN DIFFERENT PLACES OR UNIQUE WAYS?”

We continue, oh dear ladies, with my hilarious stories from the other side – the planet of the Single Gal.

My preferred answer is “Why no, I never thought of that. I sit on my couch every night in my negligee waiting for the hot guy, the man of my dreams, to knock on the door. He’s going to, right? RIGHT??!!!” If anyone really knew the life of a single woman, they would know that we have tried ALL sorts of places and ways to meet guys. Especially outgoing people like myself. We even think we may meet a guy at the momentous friend’s wedding – we think about it and live in hope but will never admit it to others. I was kind enough to warn my single gal pals way in advance that at my wedding, there would be no good hunting at all. All the men were either married or gay – or both. I put in a quick disclaimer that it would be quite likely that they would be seated next to another girl (so many good gal pals) or an unavailable male. They took the news quite well.

Single gals are constantly seeking opportunities. It is hunting season year-round for these fair maidens and I myself hunted for years even when the species seemed extinct. I once got the number for a cute guy I saw at the dog groomer for God’s sake. He flirted his ass off with me and then walked out with his dog and that was that. He was cute. Hmmmm… It took some guts for me to call up the groomer and make up some lame story of how that guy was going to give me the name for some contact (I can’t even remember what the hell I said), and that I misplaced his number…and could they kindly give it to me? I held my breath awaiting an inquisition, but they instantly obliged. Perhaps I wasn’t the first to use this trick.

I called him and he was happy to hear from me. He said we could meet for a coffee, so we made plans. I called my sister immediately to gloat about my incredible go-getter skills. The next day, he called me up to make final plans and casually says “You know I’m married right?” I almost dropped the phone. He had not been wearing a ring – A-hole. He continued to suggest that we meet and I quickly declined. Unbelievable. I have also given my number to a waiter to give to a guy sitting at another table (he never called) and I once picked up a guy who briefly became a boyfriend at the premiere of “Men in Black” – literally going up to him and saying “You’re cute.” He was. I also met a guy in front of the Mona Lisa at the Louvre. He had been pursuing me throughout the museum through several rooms. I am proud to say that I once picked up the ONLY straight guy at my friend’s Donna Summer concert party. Now that’s talent!

I have friends who have met guys everywhere from the chiropractor’s office to Starbucks (one friend of mine is CONSTANTLY approached at Starbucks. It’s infuriating because I never had someone pay any attention to me at Starbucks. They were way too fixated on getting their cocaine in a cup.) They have found guys at the grocery store, the dog park (my friend married him), everywhere. Us single gals actually brainstorm with our friends on where we can go to meet guys. Hockey game? Why not. Wine tasting? Sure, maybe we’ll meet a classier guy than the beer guzzling type. One of my friends met a hot guy when he came to her rescue, freeing her hair from a hungry stomach crunch machine at the gym. No, I am not kidding. And one of my sassy New York friends even went to AA meetings when she didn’t even have a drinking problem because she knew hot guys went there. Maybe f*cked up hot guys, but hot nonetheless.

So don’t ask single girls obvious questions like this please. It is insulting and annoying. Thank you.

GOOD PLACES TO MEET A GUY

Friend’s party

Bar – cities other than L.A. New York was always good for me. Sports Bars can be good or bad. Lots of guys for sure, but then you might be stuck with a sports fan, meaning many days and nights in your future of couch potato syndrome. Or, if he is a super fan, he may not even notice you at the bar at all and be focused on his team who he would literally die for. Good luck with that.

Retail clothing stores – they are disoriented and therefore easy pray

Dentist or doctor’s office – unless he looks uncomfortable or has an obvious rash

ER – Lots of women have this fantasy of having some hunky doctor save their life and then marry them.

Church – depending

Museum – unless he is standing in front of the Alexander McQueen exhibit at the Met- then he is probably on the other team.

Bookstore – any section other than self-help

College – but beware – it might not last

BAD PLACES TO MEET A GUY

Strip club

Therapy

Denny’s or iHop after midnight

Liza Minnelli, Barbara Streisand, Lady Gaga, etc. concert (mine was a fluke)

Bar – in the middle of the day, on a Tuesday. Most bars in Hollywood

Playground – when he is with his kids, wearing his wedding ring

Gynecologist’s office

Acting class

Police station – the ones not wearing the uniform

Church of Scientology

Star Trek convention – unless you’re into that sort of thing

6. QUESTION: “HAVE YOU TRIED ONLINE DATING?”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Ummmmm helllloooooo….. aren’t we living in a virtual world? Am I 93 years old and living in an outhouse in  Siberia? Everyone I know who wants to fall in love has tried online dating. Okay, maybe not EVERYONE. I have a few stubborn ladies who refuse to try it in spite of my whining, persuading, advising and pain-in-the-assing. “But Becckkyyy, do you really want to be like me and not find your love until you are 40???!!” I would think this would make her gasp and shudder and send her running for the Match.com website but no. She is as stubborn as me and well, she needs to do it in her own time.

To some I say, “Um yeah, have you HEARD my stories?!!” And to others, I just drop to the floor laughing hysterically and say “Have I tried online dating?! Oh, that’s a good one!” You will see a little later why I feel this way about this particular subject. I have LOTS and LOTS of experience with online dating. YEARS of experience. You could say I went to the masters course in online dating. Some things are worth trying, and online dating is one of them. I can’t say that I would ever go back to it. I hope I never have to, oh lord help me! It’s like hiking the super scary Precipice Trail in Maine or eating snake for me – I tried it, cross it off the list and NEVER DO IT AGAIN. (By the way, even with the most horrific, salacious and mind-boggling online dating stories, I still forged ahead and never retreated through the blood and bodies and decimation and anguish and I did find the man I married through online dating. It is a necessary evil my dear.

For those single ladies who are asked this question, I think it is important to not take it personally. I know this is rather difficult as it is a personal question. It is your lovelife after all. But try to see it as a question, like “Have you tried a raw food diet or Zumba?” See it as a very casual question and it may be best to answer it casually with an answer like “Yes, I find it very amusing!” Or, “It’s on my bucket list.” Or you can say “I tried it but like champagne, it is delightful to some but gives others a splitting headache.” Should you get a puzzled look staring back at you, be kind. Understand that most people actually believe the hype of the commercials where it looks like ANYONE who tries online dating will be successful. So, they are simply thinking that it should be an obvious course of action for you, the single women, to go online for love.

ADVICE FOR ONLINE DATING FROM THE GENERAL:

As one who has been on the front lines until quite recently, I pass along my strategies and tactics that kept me alive through the most gruesome of online dating scrimmages.

1. BE PATIENT – think of online dating like a football game. Imagine you are there and the stadium is full of men. You look around and see that most of them are just not for you. In fact, most of them are just overall unpleasant. You do spot a couple of guys here and there who are kinda cute and seem good. Okay. Now realize that ALL of these men are online dating and emailing you. You are going to have to go through a lot of FREAKS and FROGS to get to one that you may want to meet up with for a drink. I have three ex-boyfriends from online dating – a good record if you ask me. They were wonderful guys but I didn’t meet the ONE until many years of online work. Sorry, but sometimes that’s just how it is. For some, it happens a lot faster and I pray and hope and will go eat some chocolate and light a candle and say a mantra that it will happen for you quickly.
2. DO NOT MEET THEM FOR A MEAL – I learned this the hard way and spent many moments where I felt like it was THE LAST SUPPER. I was the bear caught in the trap who would rather gnaw off its own leg rather than remain in that place. I DO recommend meeting for a drink because many times, you will need a stiff drink to get through the date. Plan on buying your own drink so that you won’t owe the guy anything if the date is bad. If the date is good, by all means, he should buy your drink – a true gentleman is what we all deserve.
3. DO NOT GET EXCITED FOR THE DATE – this is extremely hard for us ladies as we are optimists and why the hell would we go on a date if we weren’t excited??? Well, I’ll tell you. If you try to look at it as just meeting someone and a “before-the-date” date then you won’t be as upset when he turns out to be one of the guys from “The Hangover.” Also, MAKE PLANS for after the meeting. That way, you did not get dressed up for nothing and you have an “out.” Plan a drink with online guy and then have dinner with friends. They will be there to console you if the guy was an idiot or they will be there to share in your excitement if the guy was wonderful.



4. DO NOT GET STUCK ON THE SMALL POINTS – Years ago, I wouldn’t date a guy who had a cat because I thought men who had cats were just weird. But that’s not always true. If you look at every little part of their profile and go through it with a fine-toothed comb, you will be disappointed. That’s because it allows you to judge before you have even met them. At a party, you might meet a cute funny guy and have a spark and then you can overlook the fact that he has a cat named Toodles. AND ladies – THE CLOTHES CAN BE CHANGED!!! Yes!!! I redid the wardrobe of many ex-boyfriends. I even redid the hairdo of an ex and his mother cried when she saw him! His entire community said he looked 10 years younger. I have redone most of my husband’s wardrobe now and let me tell you, the Hawaiian shirts have been given to Goodwill. Do NOT be focused entirely on the guy’s outfits. Most men are pretty bad about clothes. That is why they need us. He can be your Ken doll.
5. MEN ARE STUPID – yes. Just know it. The guy with a high school education who makes $20K a year and is overweight and seems to sweat in all of his photos may think he is PERFECT for the ivy-league professional woman who is drop dead gorgeous. They will try. Ignore them. Don’t even respond a polite “No thank you” because you will open up Pandora’s box. And, since men are stupid, also realize that many just aren’t the best at hunting. Do your own search and see who matches up with you and send a Hi. Then see what happens.
6. CHINESE WATER TORTURE – Do Not get yourself into this mess. Do not email back and forth for months. Do not IM for hours before you have met them!! Bad bad bad!! If the guy you are chatting with online ONLY wants to email or IM and doesn’t ask you for your number after a few emails back and forth, then offer your phone number. If he doesn’t call, drop him. If they guy ONLY wants to email or chat on the phone but just can’t seem to get it together to meet you, drop him. He’s probably married or looks like Quasimodo and doesn’t want you to see or he’s just a player.
7. PLAY THE FIELD – Men many times believe in quantity over quality so understand that the guys you are talking to are talking to many girls and don’t get offended. They don’t know you at all so it’s fair game. For the same reason, I recommend not hanging your hat on one guy who seems great. Instead – play the field. That way, you won’t be heart-broken when the one guy you liked turns out to be an a-hole. You will have others in play. Of course, when you meet a great one, go for it!! When I met my husband for our first date, we had instant fireworks. Months later, he told me that he had several dates lined up for the next couple weeks after he met me, but after just our first date, he canceled them all. Men will stop hunting when they find the one!!! That is, a GOOD man will stop hunting! I also closed my Match account after our third date. Boom. It was fast. And it should be once you meet the right guy.
8. HAVE A LITTLE FAITH – you will get frustrated. You will get depressed. You will find this to be a needle in the haystack game. You will think there is not one decent guy online. There will be times when you want to throw in the towel. Take a month or 6 month break and then try again. Just like being in anything too long that is challenging and difficult, you will get burnt out. I had to take a year break before going back online but I’m sure glad I did!!

BON CHANCE LADIES! LET THE GAMES BEGIN!

It is this time of year that I find my single ladies (and the rest of the single general public) longing for the warmth of someone yummy to snuggle up with in front of the fire and to spend the holidays with. I myself have been there on numerous occasions lamenting the fact that I didn’t have anyone special to spend moments like New Year’s (good grief) with. Now that I am married, I can say WHO CARES!! but it sounds ridiculous because of course NOW that I am married I can say these things. So I truly understand my dear single ladies and I want to remind you AGAIN that it was not so long ago that I too was searching for what I thought felt like the Quest for The Holy Grail (mostly aspirational, possibly ficticious and highly unlikely). Therefore, I continue my TOP 10 List of Heinous Comments from the Peanut Galley that make single women go ape shit. Here we go:

5. COMMENT: “YOU’RE TOO PICKY.”

This comment implies that I am setting the bar way too high or have some checklist in my purse or have unrealistic standards. “But why CAN’T I date an astronaut??!!!” I can see them imagining me thinking. Yes, I’m too picky. FINALLY someone figured it out! Oh thank you for solving this mystery for me! So that’s why I’m not riding off into the sunset with my Mr. Right. Obviously, like all the questions, this comment gets me REALLY worked up. Any gal who has been around the block knows this is ridiculous for anyone to say. Why if they only SAW the idiots, losers, jackasses, beautifully-challenged people we have said “Okay” to for a date, then these nay-sayers would just shut the hell up. Let’s review what my requirements are, shall we? And then we can see if I’m being unrealistic.

It’s kind of difficult to be starry-eyed and all mushy gushy thinking about our Prince Charming’s arrival when every day we are facing guys who are far from Princely and not-so-charming.  It’s like asking a kid to get excited about Santa Claus when they already know that it’s just Uncle Harry in a costume. The mystery and excitement is gone. Believe me, I still wish I lived in Santa Claus fantasy land and I definitely try to convince myself that Prince Charming is out there. Unfortunately, it seems that my Prince Charming is working those tights and shimmying at the gay bar, just got out of prison, is my plumber, is some dude wearing gold chains, having a mid-life crisis playing the way-too-young-for-him field, or he’s comfortably at home while his little wife makes him dinner.

I am looking for someone who is similar to my background – educated, comes from a decent upbringing, has a good job and makes at least what I make, and preferably doesn’t have a criminal record, a current wife or children. I’m not flexible on the wife or criminal record part, but I will consider children. Aesthetically, I prefer a guy who is about 6 feet, since I’m 5’9 (that’s 5”11 or so with heels), has hair (no Mr. Clean for me), isn’t an old geezer, is in relatively good shape and kinda cute. Does this mean that if a guy doesn’t meet ALL of these “standards” of mine, my “checklist” if you will, that I won’t consider a date? Hell no, it doesn’t. I’ve dated bald guys, short guys, guys who had no money, old guys, boring as hell guys, stupid guys, guys who made severely bad fashion choices, guys who never went to college and guys who weren’t that cute. Nobody who knows me well enough can say that I haven’t found the one because I’m too picky. It’s just not true. I feel like screaming back “Well, when I get really desperate and I’m ready to settle like you did, I’ll let you know!” I don’t really mean that. Well, sometimes I do. For the most part, I’m happy when people find “the one” and live happily ever after. It gives us single gals hope.

When people say you’re too picky, they should look in the mirror and see that it is actually a reflection on themselves. By you telling me that I’m too picky implies that, if I am not picky, I will find a man, which in turn implies that you must have lowered your standards to be with your man. Because that statement implies that to be picky is a bad thing. I like to simply say that I am a hopeless romantic and I want to feel that special weak-in-the-knees feeling for a guy. “Don’t you think everyone deserves that?” I ask. If I am in a particularly pissy mood, I will say “Well, don’t you love your husband like crazy? Did you settle?” Usually this will make them feel a bit awkward (good, they deserve it), and hopefully they will say that yes, indeed they are still in love with their hubby, and then you can triumphantly say “Well, don’t I deserve that?” There. Done.

MY ADVICE TO YOU LOVELY LADIES – DO NOT SETTLE! BE PICKY! THE LAST THING YOU WANT TO DO IS BE STUCK WITH SOMEONE YOU KNOW IS NOT THE BEST CHOICE FOR YOU. TALK ABOUT CHINESE WATER TORTURE!!!

Happy almost holidays!!

Here is #4 on my Top 10 List of comments and questions single ladies despise but often get from the peanut gallery e.g. friends, family and the general public. I hope you are enjoying them and I would love your comments!

Oh Ken, you're perfect!

4. QUESTION: “WHAT KIND OF GUY ARE YOU LOOKING FOR?”

This question makes me sigh out of sheer frustration. Single women want the same things for the most part, so to tell someone you want someone nice, funny, good-looking with a decent job sounds so obvious and trite. It sounds boring just writing it. Maybe the fact that I want someone educated and on the taller side would be REALLY unusual, but I doubt it. But it’s the truth. (And it’s what I got). Sure, some people might be deadset on someone Jewish or have a gag reflex for bald men, but single ladies have long learned that you can’t ask for too many specifics because your friends will get annoyed and then never set you up because you’re too picky (see #5 comment in the next blog). Plus, you never know when that really goofy-looking guy just happens to be the one who steals your heart (it happened to one of my friends).

So if we know what we are all looking for, then why do people ask the obvious – why why WHY? Don’t they know I have better things to do like talk to the dog? Are they expecting us to say something weird like “I want a count from a foreign land who has a castle and likes to wear plaid pants and has a jet and is a water polo player and shags like a stallion.” Do they honestly think we are looking for a man that doesn’t exist? When asked this question, I would love to reply “Well, what I’m really looking for is a fat, selfish, out of work hairy man, preferably an alcoholic who has no ambition or interests – the kind of guy who would never think to buy a girl flowers, even if he was a millionaire. Oh, and if he can have a flatulence problem and a low IQ, that would be REALLY great.” The look on their faces when I said this would be so satisfying. Or even more dramatic when asked what kind I want is to say “At this point in my dating career, at the point of desperation, I’m just hoping for someone who has all of their limbs and doesn’t smell too bad.” Boy would THAT get a fun reaction!

Maybe I’ll try it out. Another funny response would be to give them a really descriptive answer: “He should be 6’2, 43 years old, no tattoos, wear Oxford shirts, have short brown hair and blue eyes, and his name should begin with a D.” Now try to match that will ya!

Ladies, when asked this asinine question, you can simply answer  “I’m a fun gal so I’m willing to meet anyone. You never know.” Or just say “I don’t know. Whatchou got?” thereby putting them on the spot. Happy days.

Here is number 3 on the Top 10 List. I hope these are resonating with you, whether you are single or married for 20 years. I will never forget. It’s as memorable to me as if it were yesterday. I understand what “All the Single Ladies” (go Beyonce, it was my theme song last year!) are going through and all I can say is We Shall Overcome!

3. QUESTION: “IT WILL HAPPEN WHEN YOU LEAST EXPECT IT”

This classic statement has been heard throughout the nation by unwelcoming single ears. It’s one of my personal favorites. Let us ponder this statement shall we? Well, let’s see, if you’re at a party, and you are single and a cute guy starts talking to you, aren’t you maybe thinking, “Gee, this guy’s cute. Maybe he would ask me out.” Probably. Or wherever you are seeing a cute guy, isn’t that going to remind you that you are a single woman looking for a cute guy? It is always in the back of the minds of single ladies that they are, in fact, single and open to meeting a guy.  Society won’t let us forget that we are single – especially on Valentine’s Day, New Year’s Eve and at weddings. Sure, my married friends get hit on by guys and they don’t expect it but that’s just lame and makes me think men are pigs and well, just overall makes me grumpy.

So how can it happen when you least expect it? At a gay bar? A women’s symposium? In the Tampax aisle at the grocery store? Lady Gaga concert? Perhaps at a flower arranging class? (Gay men would make FABULOUS husbands if it weren’t for the sex part). Or maybe after a near-fatal accident while I’m in a body cast in the hospital. That’s it! My doctor will be really hot and he’ll nurse me back to health, giving me sponge baths and then, on the day the body cast is removed, he will get down on one knee and pop the question. COME ON.

I’ve heard evil rumors of women who are just friends for a long time with a guy and then allofasudden after two years, they get hit by Cupid and whammo, the guy turns into Prince Charming. Smells fishy doesn’t it? This scenario makes me confused because for me, physical chemistry is VERY important so if the chemistry is there, he’s no friend. And if I think he’s hot and we could be good together, it’s pretty easy to get him in bed. (He’s a man after all). The thought of chemistry growing over time sounds to me like a fungus in a petri dish – nothing good going on there. If Edgar wasn’t hot before to you, how is he hot now? Are you using hallucinogenic drugs? Are you drunk? Or lord no girl, don’t tell me that you are settling!!!

For me, I wanted heart-stopping, weak in the knees, fireworks love and I found it. Having a friend to spend your golden years with is a nice concept, but as my friend calls her chemistry-missing sometimes date, “Comfy sweater” – he’s dependable but how exciting is he? No wonder she is still looking for that guy who makes her heart go pitter-patter.  I wanted the Full Monty people. It was the only way I knew I had a shot at a long marriage. I knew that we could get through any argument or tough time as long as my heart was completely in it. And, let’s face it, I’m a total hopeless romantic. I even had a shirt in high school that said “Im an Incurable Romantic” on it.
And finding it was not a surprise. The fact that it was love at first sight and so fast was rather a shock, but I had been training for this all my life ladies. And I helped make it happen. WHY? Because I am a smart girl who takes action and decided that fate needed a little push. And being Crazy Old Maid Aunt Lindsley just was NOT going to work for me. So online dating I went (again) and found the guy in one month. Done.

My friend Taylor’s response when she is asked this laughable question is dead-on correct. When told that it will happen when she least expects it, she replies “Well, then it should have happened two years ago because that’s when I gave up – I haven’t been expecting it for years!” She really cracks me up. You tell ‘em sister!

This is part 2 of the Top 10. If you missed the first one, here’s a reminder:
When I was single, which was not too long ago (before June), I had written a lot about the trials and tribulations of being single. This excerpt was particularly made an impact on me because it really summed up what a lot of single women are feeling and how other people’s seemingly innocent comments can be like daggers to the heart. This list of the TOP 10 will be done in a series, with one each day just for you!

Single ladies have THICK skins. We have to. You would not believe the comments and questions we get all about the state of our singledom. Pregnant women complain that their big belly gives everyone the open door policy to tell them their sage advice on pregnancy or worse, their horror stories on labor, delivery, never getting your body back, etc. But I say the WORST experience for a woman is the open invitation people seem to think they have received to comment on your life, if you just happen to be single and over 35. Us women in this state know the all too wince-provoking, “inevitable like death,” idiotic and just plain rude things people will say.

2. QUESTION: “DO YOU THINK YOU WILL EVER GET MARRIED?”

This is as ridiculous as question one and very similar. I have so many wonderful responses for this question. I would love to say: “Let me get out my magic crystal ball and see if it will be so.” Even better would be to carry around an 8-Ball and take it out and shake it and say “I should have an answer for you in a minute.” That should shut them up. I also would love to answer in a way that may take some thought on their part. I would say very seriously, “Yes! It will be February 2011. God, I can’t wait to meet him!” Haha. Or super fun would be to say “Well, I’m pretty sure but he’s in prison so I have to wait a few years.” The look on their face would be priceless.

This question is impossible to answer and to ask an impossible question is just plain idiotic. They may as well be asking me if Jesus exists. How the hell should I know? Are they expecting you to then pour your heart out and say that you really hope you get married, but you don’t know if it will ever happen and it’s one of your worst fears and then burst out into tears right on the spot? I wish people knew that these questions are the equivalent to ripping out our hearts and stomping on them.

I guess the nicest and simplest answer you could give them would be to simply say “I really don’t know.” But you know they will never be okay with just that. They will offer advice that they are SURE you have never thought of like trying a new activity to meet men. That’s a classic. When my psychiatrist recommended I take up a musical instrument or a language class to meet men, I wanted to lunge at his throat. Didn’t he know I was already exhausted as it was trying to locate Mr. Right?? Now I have to learn goddamn Italian?? And if ONE MORE person offers to give me their worn and loved copy of “The Secret,” I am going to seriously lose my shit. That book is lame. It’s exactly the same thing as therapy people. You go in, talk about your life, focus on what you want and what you need to change and then go do it. Duh. If you think all day about not eating pie, you probably will remember to not eat pie. Or, you may do what I do sometimes and say “F*ck it” and go enjoy some goddamn pie. Everything is WORK. Just sitting in your bedroom putting a piece of paper with “Millionaire” as your goal on it in your Disney Princess jewelry box and wishing and hoping to be a millionaire is not going to make you win Publisher’s Clearing House. It just don’t work that way kids. Sorry.
Ladies, when you are asked this question, you can make light of it by waxing philosophical and say “Who knows? The world is a fickle place. I could get hit by a bus tomorrow. You could get hit by a bus tomorrow. My future husband could get hit by a bus tomorrow.” While they ponder your enlightened thoughts, you can look at your watch and be conveniently late for something.

Have a PINK day ladies!
XOXO

DISCLAIMER – I am VERY sarcastic (my friends are rolling their eyes right now). So this is meant to be taken with a ginormous grain of salt. It’s fun people, not Dr. Phil!

If I ever do get married (not due to settling, desperation or to prove anything – ONLY for true love), I will try to remember a few things that my friends and I have noticed, surmised, discussed and bitched about when it comes to weddings.

1. MOST PEOPLE WILL NOT BE EXCITED TO SHARE IN YOUR JOY, AS IN THE ACTUAL WEDDING.

They will ACT as if it is the best thing since sliced bread, and they will be genuinely happy that you found THE guy, but they will not be doing cartwheels down the hall to attend your wedding – that is, unless you live in the middle of nowhere where there is NOTHING to do but go to a wedding. You will see the invitation to a wedding as a responsibility and not as a fun exciting event. Before you want to stab me in the heart calling me a cruel, heartless person, go ask your friends if I’m wrong. DON’T ask the friends who will lie to be politically correct and say that they were soooo excited to be at their friend’s wedding. They know perfectly well that a wedding is not just a wedding. There’s the engagement party, bridal shower, bachelorette party, etc. The amount of time and money spent is enormous. It’s not that I didn’t have fun at my friends’ weddings or enjoy buying them gifts, it’s just that I have had more exciting times in my life (like going to Paris with the family) and could have found better ways to spend my money. And don’t you dare feel slighted by these comments. It’s just a fact. Weddings and things like this are rites of passage that we must go to for our friends. I personally would rather take my friend to Hawaii for a girl’s weekend and have some quality time, than fly seven hours to get to see her for 10 minutes at the wedding and sit with her annoying cousin. As I said, there are much better ways to spend one’s time. I can’t tell you how many times I have heard my friends say “Ugh, we have ANOTHER wedding to go to next weekend.” Or, if they are part of the wedding party, it’s usually a bitch session on how much it is costing them. “I could have gone to Club Med in the Virgin Islands for what I’m spending on this wedding. The hotel, the airfare, the gifts….” And so on. I myself have been in this position numerous times. The most ironic part is seeing your friend expect everyone to show up for the parties and buy the gifts for her wedding, but then she turns around and complains till the cows come home of everyone else’s wedding she has to attend. Ah, if only they could hear themselves.

REALITY CHECK – I tried to be realistic with my friends and family that my wedding was not the most exciting day of THEIR lives and understand when it was a big process to attend. I thank my family and friends for spending the time and money on me!!!

2. THERE IS NO GOOD DAY FOR YOUR WEDDING.

Everyone likes to complain and you just can’t please everyone. Why someone chooses a major holiday for a wedding, like the 4^th of July or around Christmas is beyond me. We have few enough vacations and holidays as it is, and now it has to be reserved for Peggy and Jason’s big day???!! As if the wedding wasn’t self-absorbed enough as it is, now it has to take over a whole holiday. You may think you are safe picking a random weekend say in September or March, but no. SOMEONE will have a beef about it, and more likely, a few people will. “But that’s little Joey’s Communion,” or “I’m having a boob job that weekend.” Whatever it is, they will have something better and more important to do. So, I will try not to take it personally that some people will think that I picked the most awful time in the universe for my happiest day ever.

REALITY CHECK: I myself am guilty of doing this!! I must have had Bride Brain because a few weeks after we chose our date, some kind soul pointed out to me that the Sunday brunch following the wedding was FATHER’S DAY. I felt like an asshole. But there was nothing I could do. (Sigh).

3. YOUR WEDDING WILL BE COMPARED TO EVERYONE ELSE’S AND PEOPLE WILL BE DYING TO GIVE YOU ADVICE.

Just mention that you are getting married and you are opening up the biggest SUGGESTION BOX that ever existed. Every detail is open to scrutiny, from what your colors will be, where the wedding is, what kind of cake, what design for your invitation, band or DJ, buffet or served, etc., etc. Your wedding becomes an open invitation for them to revisit their wedding ALL over again. You will have to look at wedding videos and albums. You won’t care, but you will have to. That’s what friends are for. Most brides think their wedding was the best wedding in the world. Even if their wedding was in Mexico in the 120 degree sun and their guests had heatstroke and diarreah, they will claim it was the best ever! They may have wanted to change one or two things, but overall, they will congratulate themselves on their choice of flamingo pink bridesmaid’s dresses and hiring the bad cover band.

REALITY CHECK: Everyone did have an opinion but most of the advice was great and appreciated. I don’t know what I would have done without my MOB’s wise advice and my uber gay wedding planner and BFF Robert’s “Oh honey, we are NOT doing that” guidelines. Of course, some comments were tres annoying like listening to my bank teller talk about the butterfly release she was going to have in her wedding at the top of a mountain. Oh geez. It took everything in me to not vomit on nature girl.

4. PEOPLE DO NOT REMEMBER OR CARE ABOUT THE LITTLE DETAILS.

I recall so many times my friends remarking on an aspect of their wedding that I could not remember to save my life. I was talking about an invitation to my birthday party I was creating, and my friend Sue mentioned her wedding invitation. “Remember I used that really cool silver border?” Since she was married over four years ago, and I can’t remember yesterday, I had no clue what she was talking about. Honestly, people really don’t remember EVERY detail about your wedding, only YOU do. They will remember the overall scene, décor, the bride’s dress, whether the food was good or bad, and they will remember who was drunk, but beyond that, the memories will be vague. Simply because it was not their day. Your guests will not study the event like a detective at a crime scene. “Ah, I see that the yellow napkins do not exactly match the tablecloths – aha!” Brides will drive themselves (and others) completely insane about the minutest detail. My friend worked herself into a frenzy over the individual place setting gifts for guests. She FINALLY decided on a small silver-plated frame the size of a mini-candy bar. “Isn’t it perfect??!!!” she exclaimed. I gave mine to Goodwill.

REALITY CHECK: I really tried not to obsess. Of course, the damn silver Chiavari chairs I wanted were going to cost $900 just for delivery since I got married in Sun Valley (which my wedding planner and I renamed Petticoat Junction) and I refused to spend that. So, we used the gold Chiavari chairs they had locally and no one knew the difference. But it almost killed me. Of course, no one but brides know how every single detail is a headache and major sleepless nights which is why I am NEVER DOING IT AGAIN. EVER.

5. I WILL NOT HAVE BRIDESMAIDS.

NO F**CKING WAY. (See upcoming story to really understand my decision). First, I am too old for that bullshit. I think there should be a cap on that. Women over 30 should be banned from having bridesmaids. It is so lame. And being a bridesmaid sucks. Sorry friends. I was honored to be your bridesmaid but it is a task not a fun-filled adventure. And no, I never wore the dresses again. My friends don’t need to walk down a stupid aisle to know that they are important to me. And when you are single (which I was – terminally), being a bridesmaid is the equivalent of being put up for auction in front of everyone in the worst outfit you can imagine. Nightmare.

Single ladies have THICK skins. We have to. You would not believe the comments and questions we get all about the state of our singledom. Pregnant women complain that their big belly gives everyone the open door policy to tell them their sage advice on pregnancy or worse, their horror stories on labor, delivery, never getting your body back, etc. But I say the WORST experience for a woman is the open invitation people seem to think they have received to comment on your life, if you just happen to be single and over 35. Us women in this state know the all too wince-provoking, “inevitable like death,” idiotic and just plain rude things people will say.

1. QUESTION: “WHY ARE YOU STILL SINGLE?”

This is the absolute number one question that makes single women want to go postal. Why such an insanely ridiculous question is even asked is beyond my comprehension. How the HELL do I know why I’m still single, you jackass?! You might as well ask me “What’s the cure for cancer?” Nobody knows WHY they are not married or haven’t found the one. So quit asking us dammit! It’s not like you get to look in a Christmas catalog and shop and order your husband (which is EXACTLY what some poor souls think what online dating is), complete with what color, texture, height and delivery time you want.

The inevitable question becomes more of an accusation like there must be something wrong with you or that you are deliberately sabotaging yourself so you can remain alone forever. Who am I, Tom Hanks in “Castaway” stuck out in the middle of nowhere with no hope in sight? Hey all you married or taken people, stop hitting us single people while we’re down, will you? The question may as well be posed as “What’s wrong with you?” because that’s exactly what the single question implies – You did something to make yourself undesirable. Well, let me tell you, the only thing we DIDN’T do is give up on our dreams and settle. We might not have someone to say “Honey, I’m home” to, but did you ever think that we might not be suicidal? We may actually be a happy person and still have hope that someone IS in fact out there for us. There’s definitely some knowledge I think you have when you’re single that married people seem to not have. It’s like being street smart, but for dating – let’s call it “Single Smart.”  When you’re Single Smart, you know that being married is not the “be all, end all.” Why? Because you get to be the observer of other people’s marriages. And sometimes it ain’t pretty. I see some married guys ogling me like I’m the most delicious candy bar and they are a hungry fat kid. I see married couples out in public walking with miserable frowns on their faces like they have been sentenced to death. They look more alone than I do. Or I see them sitting together and not having a word to say. Don’t think that just because you’re married, that you have it better. My friend Mary gets hit on by married men all the time. Think about it – it could be your Honeykins or Lovey Dovey out there prowling. So check yourself before you get on someone else’s case.

When you get married, you realize that you’re stuck with your husband’s annoying habits and behaviors FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. The fact that he’s a slob, or that he will never buy you flowers, or maybe that he loves watching sports and would rather sit on the couch watching tv than go out and enjoy the beautiful day outside (do you know my ex-fiance??/!!), or that he will never EVER look anything like George Clooney – whatever it might be, it can be really tough. Marriage is WORK. Of course, it’s also wonderful, but it is a commitment and if the two people involved aren’t willing to make it work, come hell or high water, then that marriage can royally suck. And when I get married men hitting on me or see a husband cussing out his wife on the street, it just makes me say, “Well, I may be alone, but at least I don’t have to deal with THAT.” Someone else’s misery can be my validation. And if it’s wrong, well, so be it.

Being Single Smart allows me to not have to put up with a guy’s shit because I’m not in a relationship with them and I wasn’t stupid enough to marry them. I don’t have to watch my boyfriend be overly attentive to the buxom woman at the party, just waiting to ream him when we get home. I don’t have to worry if he remembered to change the light bulb in the hallway and I don’t have to fight with him over who is going to walk the dog late at night. Nope. It’s all up to me, and if there’s one thing I know, it’s that I know I can count on me. I’m not planning on leaving me or arguing with myself over nothing. With me, I know exactly what to expect. I’m never going to let me down. GOD I LOVE ME. Me and I are going to be together for a long, long time. I know that for a fact.  Of course, it would be really great to be able to count on someone else for a change.  It seems everyone wants me to settle, so afraid that I will die alone. When my mom rides my ass about not having a husband, I just say, “Well, I could have married those two idiots who were wrong for me and be divorced by now. Would that make you happy?” Jeez. Get off my back. My advice for you ladies when you are asked this particularly repulsive question is to simply say “Are you SERIOUSLY asking me that?” This should make them see that it is, in fact, a stupid question. Unless, of course, they are the dumbest person on earth, then you should just say “Oh look, my glass is empty!” and head to the bar.

Go Single Ladies in the PINK!!!